You’ve Been Married A Long Time…And It’s Okay To Need Something Different

For many women in long-term marriages, something starts to shift around the fifteen to twenty year mark, usually when the children are in high school or entering college. These women often realize that what once worked for them within their marriage, no longer does. Or maybe never did in the first place.

It is a scary realization, to say the least. Wasn’t this supposed to be forever?

But this self-discovery makes sense. How many of us can say we are the same person in our 40s, 50s, or 60s as we were when we were just out of college or thirtysomething when we met our spouse? We evolve. We grow more attuned to ourselves and our needs over time. We shed things—friendships, jobs, apartments, even fashion and workout routines—that no longer suit us. Relationships of all kinds have come and gone in this timespan because we have changed or the other person has changed, or the circumstances that originally brought us together have changed.

Marriage is one of the relationships that can feel different or not quite right anymore after decades have passed. But society has a hard time when someone, especially women, wants to end a marriage in the same way that would be acceptable in other contexts. We are expected to stick it out, no matter what. This expectation gets amplified when there are children or it’s a good marriage with no obvious signs of distress.

I disagree with this expectation. The person who once said yes, is not the same person who is now saying no more.

It is ok to need something different. It is ok to want something different. It is ok to say this marriage isn’t right for me anymore, no matter how great that other person may be.

Deciding whether to leave a marriage and get divorced should be done with deep contemplation and compassion for all stakeholders who may be impacted in the end. This includes considering ourselves, our spouses, and our children in the process. There will be many decisions to make; some of them may be challenging, but they are not impossible. Ultimately we must put our own needs and wants first in order to find the right path to living most authentically and in ways that will bring joy and freedom going forward.

It is ok to choose you.